I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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