Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
