We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
