Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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