I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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