Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
this boner is exhausting
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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