ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
