My underwear smells like fireworks.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
