He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
