I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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