I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
