just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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