There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
