in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
