You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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