When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
