I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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