Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Small penises have feelings too.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
