He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
