I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
