I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
