Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
