I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
