imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
