She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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