We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
