You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
