That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
