Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
