god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
