I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
