my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
