it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
