i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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