do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize