I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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