I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
