I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
