Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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