Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
