Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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