I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
