im drinking this country out of the recession.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I want to fling myself into the sun
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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