Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
