What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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