smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
