I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
