Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
