I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
