I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
