god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
