we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
