the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Boobs speak an international language.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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