i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
