grandma shit on top of the toilet
My hand turned me down
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
So. Much. Porn.
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