If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
