Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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