I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
its liver damage thursday
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
